I Wanna Be Unbranded

Latest Newspaper Column:

O K, so there is apparently this TV show called "Jersey Shore." From what I can tell, the show's basic premise is to put a group of vapid, dimwitted and marginally attractive young people of Italian heritage into a beach house for the summer and record them getting drunk, getting into fistfights, and generally behaving in the fashion you might expect of vapid, dimwitted and marginally attractive young people turned loose with a lot of cash and a license to act like inebriated baboons for our amusement.

The show is apparently quite popular, which is not surprising given the fact that what American TV viewers seem to crave most these days is to watch people to whom they can feel morally superior.

One of the instant celebrities created by the show is a diminutive lass named Nicole Polizzi, who goes by the nickname "Snooki." Baby-faced, raven-haired, and with a 4-foot 9-inch body that looks as if it was pumped into her clothing under extreme pressure, Snooki is to bad behavior what Michelangelo was to interior decoration.

Space restrictions prohibit detailing all of Snooki's antics, but they include drunkenness, disorderly conduct and a criminal charge for "annoying people" (which is apparently a crime in Jersey. Who knew?). Suffice it to say, as we do down South, that this girl acts like she's got no raising at all. Bless her heart.

Yet, as so often happens with even B-list celebrities, Snooki is showered with gifts and swag from various fashion houses. One thing that has always mildly annoyed me about our celebrity-obsessed culture is the way companies send lots of free stuff to people who can afford to buy it.

It's a marketing tool, of course; companies think that if someone sees, for example, Angelina Jolie with one of their handbags or scarves, women will experience an overwhelming desire to run right out and buy that very item, and to heck with the cost. Depressingly, they're often right.

In the case of Snooki, however, we're seeing a new phenomenon: Companies are sending the tiny trollop their competitor's products, in the hopes that viewers will see her sleazing around with the other guy's handbags on her shoulder and associate the competing brand with trashiness and tackiness. It's called either "pre-emptive product placement" (PEPP) or "unbranding."

I've got to tell you, folks, every time I think American inventiveness and innovation is dead, something like this comes along to let me know it isn't. I mean, this is absolutely brilliant, in an evil-genius sort of way.

The possibilities are endless. Can we expect to see BP start running commercials showing disgraced former CEO Tony Hayward filling up at a Chevron station? Or maybe the loathsome Jesse James, who broke the heart of that sweet Sandra Bullock, could revive his career by doing ads for, say, Warner Brothers, in which he gives double thumbs up reviews to movies by, say, Paramount?

Which leads us, as always, to the question on your Humble Columnist's mind whenever he comes across a new cultural phenomenon: How can he cash in on this?

If the e-mails and comments I get on the Pilot's website are any indication, I occasionally make some people unhappy, some angry, and on a few occasions, I make people nearly insane with fury. This is particularly true of wingnuts, yay-hoos, bigots, neo-fascists, mouth-breathers and morons.

By the way, long live Rachel Maddow! Keith Olbermann rules! Viva George Soros! Viva Michael Moore! Viva the New Socialist Order!

There. With the groundwork done, and the proper parties whipped into a fine froth of rage, let's get down to some serious unbrandin'. Dell, Gateway, Asus Computer: Any of you guys want to bump up your sales around here, send me a new Apple laptop or an iPad. I'll be sure to mention it in this space.

Lexus, Porsche, Mercedes: If I find a new Beemer in the driveway, I'll be sure to drive it everywhere, tailgating, honking the horn, and leaving the turn signal on for miles and miles and miles.

If the fine guitar-makers at Gibson want to send me a new Fender Stratocaster, or if the folks at Fender want to send me a new Gibson Les Paul, I promise to play that sucker so loud and long that the very sight of your competitor's product will make people curl into a ball and whimper.

This had better work.

STORM SURGE Reviewed!

Over at his blog Not The Baseball Pitcher, Randy Johnson gives STORM SURGE a great review. Thanks, Randy!

Je Suis Un Rock Star?

More of the usual selective outrage over "tone" from the Pilot's website:

I don't understand why Dusty Rhodes [sic] has so many nasty comments to readers who have an opinion. The Pilot has allowed him to have a "rock star" attitude and a forum to spout it. It doesn't read as political intelect [sic] Mr. Rhodes [sic], but rather, as hateful childishness.

Considering the tone of a lot of the comments on that website, her outrage about 'nasty" responses seems pretty selective. But what the hell, I did like "rock star":

My Open Letter to the Democratic Leadership

Warning: the following message to the Democratic Party is going to have some harsh language in it. so if that sort of thing offends you, bail out now.

Today I read yet another story about how “Democratic Party insiders” fear that the Democrats are going to lose their majority in the U.S House and possibly even the Senate. The “insiders” and “strategists” requested anonymity so as to “speak candidly” about the prospects.

Well allow me to speak candidly as well to these anonymous officials of the party:

What the FUCK do you people think you’re doing?

You’re supposed to be helping the Democrats win in November, you assholes, not conceding the fucking game. The dumbest assistant coach of the most hapless junior college team in the NCAA knows better than to tell reporters “yeah, jeez, it looks pretty bad, I think we’re going to get our asses kicked this season.” If he did, he’d be out of a fucking job, and good riddance.

Here’s something even I know, Brainiacs: people vote for winners. If you talk like you’re a loser, people aren’t going to vote for you. They’re either going to stay home, or they’re going to vote for the other guys. You know, the guys who are strutting around talking about how they’re going to win. Either way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m no high ranking Democratic party strategist, but even I can figure that much out.

I’ve given my time and my money to this party, and I’ve written almost weekly in support of its candidates for over ten years now. Since I live in one of the most heavily conservative areas of a southern state, I take shit for it every day--including the occasional anonymous threat--from mouth breathing redneck assholes and cranky old racist teabaggers who treat me like something they scraped off their orthopedic shoes because I don’t think Sarah Palin is the Second Coming, with Tits. And you want to know what new and exciting flavor that shit’s being served in lately? “Even your own leadership thinks you’re losing in November. HAW HAW HAW!” Thanks a lot, you craven sons of bitches. Thanks just fucking LOADS.

I’m still fighting though. And I don’t even get paid a “political strategist’s” salary to do it. So why the hell are you pulling down hefty bucks to throw the game?

You know what, you chickenshit bastards? If you don't think the Democrats can hold a majority, then quit. Fucking leave. I mean it. Quit being a ‘high ranking Democratic strategist” and go buy a goat farm or write a novel or something. Put some people in charge of the party with some goddamn backbone and some will to win. Because for all the sports analogies, this isn’t a game. It’s the future of the country we all love. And you defeatist lackwits are about to let it fall back into the hands of the same people who ran it into the ditch.

You want any kind of meaningful reform to be stalled because some birther lunatic is tying up the Senate until Obama personally walks down to the Capitol and gives him a DNA sample to prove he’s human? Then keep talking. You want to see some right wing dingbat tie up the House for the next two years with investigations over how much the First Lady spent on her last pair of shoes?

You don’t? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET BACK TO WORK.

Do your damn jobs, which do NOT include eroding the confidence in your own ranks and making the other guys look like the winners three months before the election.

If anyone who reads this knows any of these “insiders”, will you please pass this along to them? Maybe somehow, some way, one of them will get the message that we want leaders who’ll fight for the party and for the future of America.

I Am Losing Patience With These People

Democrats Privately Fear House Slipping Away

I'm reminded of a story told by Shelby Foote in Ken Burn's documentary on the Civil War, about U.S. Grant. Some of his junior officers were fretting about what a great General Robert E. Lee was, to which Grant responded: "I am heartily tired of hearing about what Lee is going to do. Some of you always seem to think he is suddenly going to turn a double somersault, and land in our rear and on both of our flanks at thesame time. Go back to your command, and try to think what are we going to do ourselves, instead of what Lee is going to do."

Will you people MAN UP, for Christ's sake?

Sane Conservatives, Redux

Latest Newspaper Column:

I've occasionally been accused of being too hard on conservatives in this column. Some have even asserted that I hate conservatives. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Some of my best friends are conservatives.

What I’m against, and what I mock on a regular basis, are people who use the mantle of “conservatism” as a cover for meanness, selfishness and bigotry, people for whom so-called “conservatism” isn’t about what you believe, it’s about whom you hate. I actually go out of my way to look for reasonable, rational, non-insane conservatives. I’m pleased to say, the hunting has been pretty good recently.
One thing conservatives profess to love is the Constitution. Remember the brouhaha when Supreme Court nominee (now Justice) Elena Kagan quoted her mentor, Thurgood Marshall, in saying that the Constitution,
as originally drafted, was “defective” because it recognized and legitimized slavery? You’d have thought she’d advocated setting fire to the original ­document and replacing it with Mao’s Little Red Book.
Yes, some conservatives sure do love that Constitution — until its protections start being applied to someone who looks, prays, loves or think differently from them. Freedom of religion? Right to private property? Not for Muslims in Manhattan, bucko! Right to counsel? Shut up, you Islamofascist sympathizers, and bring on the waterboard!
A recent example of conservative disdain for the Constitution arose over the 14th Amendment’s definition of a citizen as anyone “born ornaturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof.”

That really grinds some ­conservatives’ gears when it’s applied to the children of ­people here illegally. They really hate the idea of those rotten little brown “anchor babies” being citizens, to the point where some Republican senators have called for at least partially repealing the 14th Amendment.
That got to be too much for former CNN newsman Lou Dobbs. It would be hard to find someone more hard-line on illegal immigration than Dobbs, who’s characterized it as “an invasion.”

But he recently went on Fox and said: “The idea that anchor babiessomehow require changing the 14th amendment, I part ways with thesenators on that because I believe the 14th Amendment, particularly inits due process and equal protection clauses, is so important. It laysthe foundation for the entire Bill of Rights being applied to the states.”
Another conservative who suddenly managed to turn up sane was Ted Olson, former solicitor general under George W. Bush and no one’s definition of a bleeding heart liberal.
After a federal judge struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, I was pleasantly surprised to find that one of the attorneyswho had argued the case for the plaintiffs was none other than Olson. He afterward went on “Fox News Sunday” and proceeded to calmly demolish Chris Wallace’s argument that the judge had created some kind of “new right” for gays and lesbians.

Olson pointed out that the right to marry a person of your choice has long been defined as a fundamental right, “part of liberty, privacy,association and spirituality guaranteed to each individual under the Constitution.” Pressed on the issue of so-called “judicial activism,” Olson responded that it’s a “judicial responsibility” to overturn laws that violate the Constitution, no matter how many people may have voted for them. “Would you want Fox News’ right to report be submitted to a vote?” he asked Wallace.

One conservative writer and blogger I read regularly is David Frum, former speechwriter for George W. Bush and the author of several books on conservatism, including “Comeback: Conservatism That Can Win Again.” Frum recently responded to an editorial in The National Review condemning the falsely named “Ground Zero Mosque” by using the same sort of rigorous application of the Constitution that conservatives claim to be so fond of (but so rarely adhere to).

“I remain skeptical that the sponsors of this mosque are quite as benign as they have been represented,” he said,“... but the rights guaranteed by the Constitution do not belong only to nice people. And whatever we may wonder about the mosque promoters, we should also remember the mosque’s users: the thousands of Muslims who work in lower Manhattan, every single one of whom is as entitled to pray as any member of Marble Presbyterian or Temple Emanuel.”
Sane conservatives: They’re out there. They don’t get the same press coverage as the nutballs, birthers and death-panel fabulists do, and to tell you the truth, they’re not nearly as much fun to write about. But they’re willing to be fair, and so am I.
At least this week.

It's a Lot Like Arguing On the Internet

The next time you feel like jumping into an argument with some idiot on the Internet, think of this video...it has very much the same feel to it.

Weed Makes You Stupid

Facebook mom posts photographs of her 11 month old baby with a bong:

A teenage Florida mom thought it'd be funny to snap a picture of her 11-month-old son playing with a bong and slap it on Facebook, but the half-baked scheme landed her in the clink.

Cops busted Rachel Stieringer, 19, of Keystone Heights, after a computer user in Texas saw the picture and called an abuse hotline to report her.

Stieringer was charged late last month with possession of drug paraphernalia and posted $502 bail.

It doesn't appear the baby boy was injured, and drug tests on him came back negative.

I'm Not Saying I CONDONE It...But I Understand

Latest Newspaper Column:

A recent headline on the ABC News website asked the question: "Steve Slater: Criminal or Folk Hero?" One wonders if ABC is perhaps outsourcing its headline writing to India, because anyone who knows anything about America knows that, in this country, you can be both.

In case you're not familiar, Steven Slater is (or was) a flight attendant for the airline JetBlue who became a media sensation after an encounter with an unruly passenger.

According to published reports, the passenger, who before takeoff had been involved in a near fistfight with another traveler over space in the overhead bins, continued to behave badly when the plane landed in New York. She was up before the plane came to a stop, yanking her suitcase out of the bin. When Slater tried to stop her, she cursed him and struck him on the head with the luggage (whether deliberately or inadvertently is not clear).

At this point, Slater had had enough. He got on the plane's intercom and delivered the following soliloquy: "To the (bad word) who called me a (bad word) and told me to (bad word) off: (bad word) you! I've been in the business 28 (bad word) years. That's it. I'm done."

Then Slater popped the emergency slide, grabbed a couple of beers from the airplane fridge, slid out of the plane, walked to his car, drove home - and immediately passed into legend.

You might expect that the consensus would be that this was another example of arrogant and rude flight attendants throwing their weight around. But for some reason (perhaps the flamboyance of his exit), Slater became a symbol for all of the people who've had to deal with a rude and unreasonable public.

Bloggers and commenters hailed him as a hero. Folk singer Jonathan Mann even released a YouTube video called the "Ballad of Steven Slater." "Every day in a million ways," one of the verses goes, "he was subjected to the worst kind of impotent rage, like a bubble about to burst." (The chorus incorporates Steven's uncensored rant in its entirety, so you may not want to watch it at work.)

Many who commented told their own tales of having to deal with cranky, unreasonable and downright insane customers. Having worked in a variety of public-contact jobs, I can certainly say I have some sympathy for them, for Steve Slater, and for anyone who's wanted to say, in the words of the old Johnny Paycheck chart-topper, "Take This Job and Shove It."

It should be noted, however, that we really don't know much about the passenger's story. Don't get me wrong, she behaved abominably, and nothing justifies hitting someone on the head with a loaded bag, but it's possible she was under some stress, too.

Has anyone considered that perhaps she was trying very hard to make a connection that the airline had put in jeopardy because the freaking plane sat on the tarmac for an hour and a freaking half before takeoff and her connecting flight left in 10 minutes and the stupid airline put that flight at a gate that was a 15-minute walk and a freaking train ride away?

(Why, yes, I have flown through Atlanta recently, why do you ask?)

Again, nothing justifies the passenger's behavior. We should all try to remember that whatever stress the airline is putting everyone through, it's (usually) not the flight attendant's fault. But anyone who's flown the unfriendly skies in the past few years understands a little about "impotent rage" from the passenger's perspective too.

The thing about outlaws, though, is that, well, they did break the law. Slater was arrested at home (by a SWAT team, no less), and charged with criminal mischief, -reckless endangerment and trespassing. (I guess the last charge is because you're not allowed on the slide absent an emergency.)

The passenger who struck him was apparently not charged. But the people who shrink the seats more and more so as to cram passengers in like cattle, the people who are charging an outrageous fee to check luggage which they then lose, the people who make sure that  wherever you go, you first have to go 400 miles in the opposite direction and have to stress over connecting with the flight that actually goes to your destination (see above)  no one's even talking about putting them on trial.

Maybe if we did, there'd be a little less "air rage" from both sides.

What Is "Traditional Marriage"?

Blogger Archie Levine passes along an excellent editorial in the wake of the recent decision overturning Prop 8:

Traditional Marriage Perverts the Tradition of Marriage

...which traditional definition of marriage do we want our Constitution to protect?

...The one from Book of Genesis when family values meant multiple wives and concubines?
...Or the marriages of the Middle Ages when women were traded like cattle and weddings were too bawdy for church?
...Since this is America, should we preserve marriage as it existed in 1776 when arranged marriages were still commonplace?
...Or the traditions of 1850 when California became a state and marriage was customarily between one man and one woman-or-girl of age 11 and up?
...Or are we really seeking to protect a more modern vision of traditional marriage, say from the 1950s when it was illegal for whites to wed blacks or Hispanics?
...Or the traditional marriage of the late 1960s when couples were routinely excommunicated for marrying outside their faith?

No, the truth of the matter is, that we're trying to preserve traditional marriage the way it "was and always has been" during a very narrow period in the late 70s / early 80s - just before most of us found out that gays even existed: Between one man and one woman of legal age and willing consent. Regardless of race or religion (within reason). Plus the chicken dance and the birdseed.

Read it. Read it all. It's worth the time it takes.

An Old Fable, Updated:

Latest Newspaper Column:

One day, Chicken Little was out for his walk when an acorn fell from a tree and hit him on the head. Chicken Little was a very silly chicken, so he immediately thought the worst.

"The sky is falling!" he screamed. "I have to go tell someone!"

So Chicken Little ran and ran until he came upon Foxy Loxy.

"Where are you going so fast, Chicken Little?" said Foxy Loxy.

"The sky is falling!" Chicken Little said. "I have to go tell someone!"

"Why don't you go on my television network?" said Foxy Loxy. "You can tell everyone that the sky is falling. And get your friend Henny Penny to go on the radio, and your friend Goosey Lucy to start a blog. Tell the people that the sky is falling, and that it's all the president'sfault. He and all his socialist buddies."

"What's a socialist?" Chicken Little asked.

"Who cares?" Foxy Loxy said. "It sounds bad, and people are afraid of it."

"Well..."

"How about if I pay you a lot of money?" Foxy Loxy said.

"Why didn't you say so before?" said Chicken Little.

So Chicken Little called Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy, and they all started going around on TV and radio and the Internet, insisting that, not only was the sky falling, but that it was all the fault of the President and the socialists.

Chicken Little often broke down in tears on camera because, he said, he was so afraid for the country. People were badly frightened, butthey kept tuning in. They often sent the things they heard to everyone they knew via e-mail, so the fear continued to spread.

One day, Chicken Little went to visit Foxy Loxy.

"Some people are beginning to say that the sky isn't falling after all," he complained.

"Looks like someone's drunk the Kool-Aid." Foxy Loxy laughed.

"What?" Chicken Little said.

"It's just a meaningless expression," Foxy Loxy explained. "You say it when anyone says the sky's not really falling."

"Some people are saying I was just hit on the head by an acorn."

"That's part of the liberal media conspiracy," Foxy Loxy said. "You can't believe anything they say."

"But if the sky is falling," Chicken Little asked. "Why aren't we all dead?"

"Chicken Little," Foxy Loxy said, "Do you like getting your paycheck?"

"Sure," Chicken Little answered.

"Do you really think there's any money in telling people the sky is NOT falling?"

"I guess you're right," Chicken Little said. "But aren't there other things we can scare people with?"

Foxy Loxy looked suspicious. "Like what?"

"Like I heard that there are people who are making big messes and poisoning the water and the air. And some other big companies are cheating people of their money."

"Chicken Little," Foxy Loxy said patiently, "Those people are big advertisers on my TV network. If you make people afraid of them, they might demand that the government do something about it. If the government does that, they'll make less money. If they make less
money...."

"We'll make less money?" Chicken Little said.

"Exactly. And only a socialist would want something like that to happen. You're not a socialist, are you?"

"Heck, no!" Chicken Little said. "I don't even know what that is!"

"Very good," Foxy Loxy said. "So what do we tell the people?"

"The sky is falling. And it's the president's fault. Him and the socialists."

"That's my boy," said Foxy Loxy. "Now get out there and spread that fear."

So they all got back to work telling everyone that the socialists and the president were all part of a big conspiracy that was making the sky fall. Anyone who tried to say different was told they were Kool-Aid drinking socialists. And they all got rich and lived happily ever after.

Well, Chicken Little and his friends did, at least. Everyone who listened to them spent all their time being scared and angry and mistrustful, afraid that the sky was falling.

But, of course, it never did.

Every Now and Then, One of Them Comes Up Sane

Former G.W. Bush speechwriter David Frum and I would probably disagree on just about everything. But he's one of the few n the Right who's willing to be honest and push back against some of their more ridiculous nonsense.

In this great piece, he takes on the whole "Obama is a socialist" malarkey:

Why didn’t Obama—the alleged socialist—fight for the public option? Why didn’t Obama—the alleged socialist—follow the recommendation of many, including Paul Krugman and Rep. David Obey, that the stimulus be much larger than what he ultimately proposed? Why didn’t Obama—the alleged socialist—give the American people just a small taste of real socialism and, at least, temporarily nationalize the large banks? (After all, even George W. Bush’s administration nationalized AIG, the largest insurance company in the world. Is Bush a socialist? Is Ben Bernanke? Is Henry Paulson)? Why didn’t Obama support a financial regulation bill that would actually break up the big banks and link bankers’ compensation to institutional performance? Why didn’t Obama withdraw American forces from Afghanistan as soon as logistically possible—why did he increase American forces there? Wouldn’t the fiscal savings have helped with the “transition” to socialism? I know I know—according to Kurtz, this is all part of the plan. But if this is the plan, the plan doesn’t really make much sense, does it?

The whole thing is worth a read.

Revenge of the Reviewed

Via Galleycat, literary critic Janice Harayda brings you the The Worst Negative Book Review Clichés, proving that book reviewers are often as unimaginative, if not more,  than the authors they pan.

The top 5 are:

1. "cardboard characters"

2. "thin plot"

3. "cookie-cutter characters"

4. "the book falls apart at the end"

5. "I just didn't *care* about the characters."

You know,  we're often advised not to respond to negative reviews. It never does any good, and can lead you to be accused of being an "author behaving badly" by the type of reviewer that regards authors as something akin to domestic  employees, and who doesn't care for it when "the help"  gets uppity.

 But I think a simple link to Harayda's article might be apropos if some reviewer commits one of those cliches. What say you?

The Secret Weapon

Latest Newspaper Column (the Director's Cut):

HOST: Good evening, and welcome to "Amazing Inventions." I'm your host, Lana Lagniappe. Our guest tonight is is Doctor Dietrich Telefunken, and he'll be explaining his latest creation.

TELEFUNKEN: Thank you, Lana. As you may know, the media is overrun with liberal terrorist loving scum who hate America.

HOST: I'm not sure I know anything of the kind...

TELEFUNKEN: Since true conservative patriots are always outnumbered by the evil liberals trying to silence them, I have developed something to offset the numerical imbalance. I present to you... the Wingbot 5000.

HOST: It looks like some sort of robot...

WINGBOT 5000: I AM NOT A ROBOT. LIBERALS ARE THE REAL ROBOTS.

HOST: It talks!

TELEFUNKEN: It does more than talk! Thanks to its advanced conservative programming, it is a match for any liberal in any debate. We can deploy thousands of them to go on television, talk radio, blogs, editorial pages, you name it.

HOST: How does it work?

TELEFUNKEN: The basic program is very simple. It responds to certain keywords with arguments from the best conservative thinkers. Try it. Give it an issue.

HOST: Okay...how about taxes?

WINGBOT 5000: AMERICANS ARE BEING TAXED INTO THE POORHOUSE.

HOST: But isn't it true that the majority of Americans have gotten a tax cut in the last couple of years?

WINGBOT 5000: I REFUDIATE THAT.

HOST: It's right there in...wait a minute. Did you say 'refudiate"?

WINGBOT 5000: YES.

HOST: I don't think that's a word.

WINGBOT 5000: SAYS WHO?

HOST: The dictionary.

WINGBOT 5000: THE DICTIONARY HAS A LIBERAL BIAS. SARA PALIN USED THE WORD. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR REAL NON-ELITE AMERICANS.

HOST: Heh. It sounds like she's channeling George Bush.

WINGBOT 5000: WHEN IS BARACK OBAMA GOING TO STOP BLAMING THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING?

HOST: What? Where did that come from?

TELEFUNKEN: Like I said, it reacts to keywords. Whenever anyone mentions George W. Bush...

WINGBOT 5000: WHEN IS BARACK OBAMA GOING TO STOP...

TELEFUNKEN: That's fine, Wingbot. Try another issue, Ms. Lagniappe.

HOST: Ummm...okay. How about racism?

WINGBOT 5000: I'M NOT RACIST IT'S YOU LIBERAL ELITES WHO ARE RACIST WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT HOW RACIST THE NAACP IS,

HOST: Let me get this straight. The NAACP is racist?

WINGBOT 5000: THE SHERROD CASE PROVES IT.

HOST: How? They were so sensitive to charges of racism that they denounced Sherrod immediately. They were wrong about her, and they had to apologize but how does that make them racist?

WINGBOT 5000: BZZZZ....BLURP....

HOST: What's wrong with it?

TELEFUNKEN: Just wait.

WINGBOT 5000: EVERYONE KNOWS THE NAACP IS RACIST.

TELEFUNKEN: You see? Nothing gets through the logic shields! Nothing! HAHAHAA!

HOST: But it never answers my questions!

WINGBOT 5000: IT'S LIBERALS WHO NEVER ANSWER QUESTIONS.

HOST: What?

TELEFUNKEN: Try another issue.

HOST: Well...okay. How about global climate change?

WINGBOT 5000: AL GORE SAID HE INVENTED THE INTERNET. HA. HA. HA.

TELEFUNKEN: Ha! Good one! He lives in a big house, too!

HOST: But that doesn't have anything to to with the issue!

WINGBOT 5000: IT WAS A JOKE. LIBERALS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

HOST: That story's not even true.

WINGBOT 5000: HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M LYING. YOU'RE TRYING TO REPRESS MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS. THIS IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY YOU LIBERALS ARE THE REAL FASCISTS.

HOST: This is getting ridiculous.

WINGBOT 5000: IT'S LIBERALS LIKE YOU WHO ARE RIDICULOUS. WHY CAN YOU NOT MAKE A POINT WITHOUT NAME CALLING.

HOST: Are you kidding? You've done nothing but call people names!

TELEFUNKEN: So?

HOST: So you said it could argue! It doesn't put forth any arguments! All it does is throw out random insults and claim that "it's liberals who are the real"...whatever.

WINGBOT 5000: IT'S LIBERALS WHO ARE REALLY THE ONES WHO THROW OUT RANDOM INSULTS.

HOST: It's doing it again!

WINGBOT 5000: IT'S LIBERALS WHO ARE REALLY THE ONES WHO ARE DOING IT AGAIN.

HOST: Okay, turn it off.

WINGBOT 5000: REPRESSION! FASCISM! SECOND AMENDMENT REMEDIES! JEREMIAH WRIGHT! WHERE'S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! TONY REZKO! MUSLIM! MUSLIM! MEDIA ELITE! REFUDIATE! REFUDIATE!

HOST: Make it stop! It's gone crazy!

WINGBOT 5000: IT'S LIBERALS WHO HAVE REALLY GONE CRAZY!

TELEFUNKEN: You can't stop it. In fact, we're thinking of running it for Congress. We've even done some polling.

HOST: Don't tell me...

TELEFUNKEN: It was the clear front-runner.

HOST: Sigh. Of course. For "Amazing Inventions". I'm Lana Lagniappe. Good night, and God help us all.